Upcoming Trump-Xi Meeting

Beijing Braces for Trump-Xi Summit: China Deploys Emotional Support Pandas, Prepares for Great Wall vs. Border Wall Debate

BEIJING- In a move that has rattled tea cups from the Forbidden City to Panda Express franchises in Tulsa, the People’s Republic of China confirmed this week that it is “mildly terrified” of the upcoming Trump-Xi summit, expected to take place in an undisclosed luxury resort decorated entirely in red hats and anti-COVID memorabilia.

Chinese state media, usually known for its calm stoicism and Photoshop mastery, issued a rare emotional bulletin: “We are experiencing a Category 5 diplomatic migraine. Someone please bring tranquilizer dumplings.”

Sources close to the Communist Party’s Central Committee claim preparations for the summit have included building a six-story stress bunker shaped like Nancy Pelosi’s head and assigning 12 emotional support pandas to top economic officials. These pandas, trained in both acupressure and passive listening, are said to be effective in helping soothe trade trauma, particularly flashbacks from 2018 when Trump declared soybeans a “weapon of mass negotiation.”

“Honestly, we were more relaxed when Nixon showed up with chopsticks and a sweating brow,” admitted one Chinese diplomat under anonymity. “At least he didn’t insist we rename the Great Wall to ‘The Good Wall, But Not Our Best Wall.’”

Red Hat, Red Scare

The core of China’s concern isn’t trade imbalance, military escalation, or technological competition. No-it’s that they can’t predict if Trump will show up with a MAGA hat or a golden cowboy hat with a concealed telecom chip.

“He once tried to gift us a Build-a-Bear modeled after himself, complete with little red tie and sound clips like ‘I’m a very stable genius’,” said a shaken ambassador. “It was the most aggressively American thing we’ve ever received, and we’ve seen Kid Rock try diplomacy.”

According to a leak from the U.S. State Department’s Emergency Prop Styling Division, Trump’s current negotiation strategy includes:

One surprise panda tweet per hour
Five-minute tariff declarations modeled after WWE promos
And a 37-slide PowerPoint titled “Make Trade Fun Again.”

The Tariff Tantrum Revisited

Chinese officials fear a return to what is now known in their economics textbooks as “The Great McNugget Tariff of 2019,” when Trump declared that Chinese-made toys inside Happy Meals were part of a “stealth cyber espionage operation.” This caused a 13% drop in McDonald’s global toy satisfaction index and four resignations in the LEGO boardroom.

According to Chinese think tank SINOwut, tariffs during Trump’s last administration caused such widespread confusion that one small electronics manufacturer began accidentally producing novelty soap bars shaped like microchips, thinking it was a new export code.

Now, China’s central planning committee is scrambling. One leaked memo states: “Assume Trump is both serious and joking. Never laugh too soon. Avoid eye contact with Ivanka.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If Trump brings McDonald’s to a state dinner, Xi might counter with Peking Duck-flavored Big Macs. Globalization wins.” – Dave Chappelle

“The only wall Trump wants to talk about is his own. He thinks China’s wall is just a ripoff with better lighting.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Trump negotiating with Xi is like a rodeo clown arguing with Confucius about TikTok algorithms.” – Ron White

“He’ll tweet something like, ‘Just had the best egg roll. Xi agrees. Deal done!’ And the markets will crash for six hours.” – Chris Rock

Chapter Two: The Fortune Cookie Coup

Chinese intelligence analysts are reportedly terrified that Trump will confuse diplomatic talking points with his favorite dessert: the Americanized fortune cookie.

In previous meetings, Trump allegedly brought his own cookies and handed them out at the negotiation table, insisting the messages inside were “very prophetic.” One read, “A great man knows many things, especially about tariffs. That’s me.”

Sources within China’s Cyber Ministry fear that Trump will propose a “Fortune Cookie Accord,” whereby every trade agreement must first be blessed by a dessert message penned by QAnon influencers and printed by Mar-a-Lago interns.

“This is not how we do policy,” said Ling Fei, a Shanghai-based policy expert. “But he once made us pass a resolution based on a Snapple cap. So we’re not ruling it out.”

Great Wall vs. Border Wall: A Masonry Showdown

If early reports are correct, Trump has requested an onsite tour of the Great Wall, specifically to compare it to his own “southern beautification project.” He reportedly told aides: “I wanna see what we’re competing with. Mine’s got better slats.”

A confidential cultural attaché revealed that Trump’s preliminary remarks include:

“Yours has dragons. Mine has drones.”
“The Great Wall is okay. But it doesn’t say ‘Trump’ every 12 feet.”
“Do you have ladder insurance?”

Experts at the University of Texas-Beijing Campus (a real imaginary institution) published a side-by-side comparison of the walls. While China’s wall scores high in “historical significance” and “tourist appeal,” Trump’s wall is reportedly unbeatable in “sarcastic graffiti per square mile.”

Chapter Three: TikTok Diplomacy and the Dance of the Deal

The summit has another unpredictable element: Trump’s renewed interest in TikTok diplomacy. “I’ll dance my way into that trade deficit,” he allegedly told aides while rehearsing a renegotiation routine involving jazz hands, twerking, and tariffs.

The Chinese Ministry of Popular App Management issued a warning this week to all influencers: “Do not duet with any American political leader unless sanctioned by Beijing’s Department of Rhythmic Coordination.”

Trump has teased his new dance, the “Tariff Shuffle”, as a “cross between a Wall Street crash and a fried dumpling explosion.” Analysts fear that if it goes viral, it may replace the yuan as China’s chief export.

Panda Express vs. Express Pandas

Reports indicate that Trump may request China “loan” several pandas to Mar-a-Lago for “morale purposes.” This has sparked fears that he will rename them after Republican donors and start franchising them in strip malls as part of a new chain: Panda Patriots.

“We’re not sure if he knows pandas are a national treasure,” said Xi’s assistant economic advisor. “He tried to name one ‘Bobby McGravy the Fourth.’”

Chapter Four: Currency Wars and the Renaming of the Yuan

During a 2019 trade meeting, Trump reportedly confused “yuan” with “yawn” and declared that China’s currency “needed more pizzazz.” Now, Chinese economists fear he will suggest rebranding it as the “Y’all” to make it more American-friendly.

“Make trade simple again,” Trump is rumored to be printing on commemorative coins. Treasury officials in both countries are preparing for a new fiscal concept called “MAGAflation”, which economists define as: “When everything costs more, but somehow feels patriotic.”

A fake joint economic study from “Princeton Trump University” (not affiliated with Princeton) reveals that renaming the yuan would increase exports of fireworks, mahjong tiles, and inflatable Trump pool toys by 400%… in theory.

Chapter Five: The McDonald’s Complication

Chinese chefs have taken to TikTok to protest the possibility of another Trump-catered dinner featuring Filet-o-Fish and Quarter Pounders with commemorative ketchup packets.

In 2018, a state banquet was derailed when Trump asked if he could “supersize the duck.” Cultural damage was only repaired after Melania apologized with a haiku and six origami napkins.

Culinary analyst Mei Lin predicts: “If he serves ketchup on dumplings again, it could set diplomacy back twenty years.”

Chapter Six: Tweetstorm Warning Level: Crimson

The Chinese military’s Cyber Division has reportedly raised its Tweetstorm Threat Level to “Crimson Wince,” the highest possible rating, ahead of Trump’s expected arrival.

Past examples of tweet-triggered chaos:

“Just met Xi. He smiled. It’s happening. Trade wars are easy.”
“China blinked. I win. Bigly.”
“Thinking of buying China. Heard it’s undervalued.”

This time, the People’s Liberation Army is preparing to intercept tweets in real time using quantum hashtags and an AI trained solely on misspelled English.

Chapter Seven: Mars, Hats, and the End of Rational Earth

In an unexpected twist, Trump is reportedly preparing to propose a joint Mars mission, called “Red Planets for Red States.” The plan includes a lunar base shaped like Mar-a-Lago, tariffs on Martian soil, and pandas trained to operate SpaceX shuttles.

Meanwhile, China fears that Trump will bring thousands of new hats. Not just MAGA, but:

Make China Great Again (confusingly red)
Xi Gon’ Give It To Ya (copyright disputed)
Tariffs 2025: Electric Boogaloo (already a top seller in Shenzhen)

According to one exiled designer for Balenciaga, “This may be the first summit ever dictated entirely by embroidery.”

Helpful Content for Concerned Nations

Worried Your Diplomatic Opponent is Trump? Here Are 5 Steps to Cope:

Carry fortune cookies with actual nuclear policy inside.
Create backup treaties in emoji-only formats.
Keep a Panda nearby. Hug hourly.
Never mention walls. Not once.
If asked to dance, pretend you’ve sprained your sovereignty.

Disclaimer

This story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings-the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed or consulted. We apologize to all pandas misquoted in this piece.

BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical, cartoon-style wide illustration inspired by Bohiney Magazine's art, showing the China-US trade relationship as a chaotic tug-of-war. Trump-Xi — BOHINEY NEWS – A satirical, cartoon-style wide illustration inspired by Bohiney Magazine’s art, showing the China-US trade relationship as a chaotic tug-of-war. Trump-Xi.

China’s apprehension about the upcoming Trump-Xi meeting has sparked a flurry of speculation. Here are 15 humorous reasons why China might be biting its nails:

Trade War Flashbacks: The last meeting led to tariffs flying like kung fu kicks. China’s worried this sequel might be just as action-packed. Wikipedia+1Latest news & breaking headlines+1
Fortune Cookie Diplomacy: Trump might insist on negotiating over a plate of General Tso’s chicken, interpreting fortune cookies as official Chinese policy statements.
Great Wall vs. Border Wall: Trump could propose a “Wall-off,” comparing the Great Wall of China to his border wall, leading to an awkward masonry measuring contest.
Currency Confusion: Fears that Trump will accuse China of currency manipulation again, possibly suggesting they rename the yuan to the “y’all” for better trade deals.
TikTok Tactics: Concerns that Trump will demand dance lessons to boost his TikTok presence, aiming to out-viral Chinese influencers.
Panda Express: Worries that Trump will request pandas as part of a trade deal, aiming to open a chain of “authentic” Panda Express restaurants in the U.S.
Tariff Tantrums: Anxiety over potential tariff hikes that could make exporting fortune cookies to the U.S. a luxury endeavor.
Name Game: Fear that Trump will insist on calling President Xi “President Eleven,” mistaking the Roman numeral for his name.
Golf Diplomacy: Apprehension that Trump will challenge Xi to a golf match, turning critical negotiations into a debate over handicaps and mulligans.
Nuclear Negotiations: Concerns that Trump will confuse trade talks with nuclear disarmament discussions, bringing along a “big red button” for dramatic effect.
Fast Food Faux Pas: Worries that Trump will cater the summit with McDonald’s, offending China’s rich culinary heritage.
Twitter Tirades: Anxiety that sensitive discussions will be live-tweeted, complete with creative nicknames and emoji-laden critiques.
MAGA Merchandise: Fears that Trump will push for “Make China Great Again” hats, leading to branding confusion and fashion faux pas.
Space Race Revival: Concerns that Trump will challenge China to a new space race, proposing a joint mission to Mars funded by tariffs.
Handshake Showdown: Apprehension over an overly aggressive handshake competition, turning a diplomatic greeting into an arm-wrestling match.