The
Great
Cat
Cling
Conspiracy:
How
Americans
Turned
Their
Vehicles
into
Feline
Billboards
By
the
world’s
oldest
tenured
professor
and
a
20-year-old
philosophy
major
turned
dairy
farmer

https://bohiney.com/the-cat-cling-craze/

---

America’s
Fastest-Growing
Pastime
Involves
Fur,
Velocity,
and
Just
a
Touch
of
Madness

What
began
as
a
desperate
cry
for
attention
has
now
become
the
official
sport
of
the
post-literate
generation:

strapping
live
cats
to
moving
vehicles.
Yes,
the
once-innocent
act
of
owning
a
pet
has
evolved
into
an
adrenaline-fueled
Instagram
stunt
known
nationwide
as

“CatCling.”

Gone
are
the
days
of
tasteful
bumper
stickers
and
ironic
air
fresheners.
Today,
your
social
worth
is
measured
by
the
number
of
feral
tabbies
suction-cupped
to
your
Tesla’s
roof
like
furry
GPS
devices.

It’s
not
just
a
meme.
It’s
not
just
a
lifestyle.

It’s
a
high-velocity
feline
renaissance.

---

From
Rescue
to
Rooftop:
The
Journey
of
an
American
Housecat

Let
us
pause
to
remember
the
humble
beginnings
of
domestic
cats—creatures
that
once
demanded
affection,
ignored
95%
of
human
commands,
and
found
joy
in
cardboard
boxes.

Fast
forward
to
2025,
and
we
find
Whiskers
the
formerly-obese
tabby
now
duct-taped
to
the
side
of
a
Dodge
Challenger,
barrelling
down
I-80
with
a
GoPro
harness
and
a
Dreamies
patch
sewn
onto
his
fur
like
a
NASCAR
sponsorship.

The
transformation
is
staggering,
if
not
a
little
tragic.

“My
cat
used
to
nap
22
hours
a
day,”
said
Becky
Grimsby,
a
lifestyle
influencer
and
owner
of
six
cling-certified
cats.
“Now
he
hangs
off
my
spoiler
like
he’s
auditioning
for
‘Mission:
Impawsible.’”

---

Why
Are
People
Doing
This?

It’s
simple:

viral
capitalism.

In
a
world
where
TikTok
challenges
have
more
cultural
sway
than
public
education,
it
was
only
a
matter
of
time
before
people
began
weaponizing
household
pets
for
likes.

You
see,
cats
are
no
longer
companions—they’re

aesthetic
accessories,

mobile
mascots,
and

existential
metaphors
on
four
legs.

A
recent
Pew
Institute
poll
found
that

68%
of
Gen
Zers
believe
a
cat
clinging
to
a
moving
vehicle
is
“more
emotionally
supportive
than
therapy.”
The
other
32%
are
already
driving
around
with
a
Himalayan
strapped
to
their
sunroof.

One
particularly
viral
post
showed
a
calico
clinging
to
a
FedEx
van
while
a
caption
read:
“Express
Delivery:
One
Vibe,
No
Brakes.”

---

Corporate
America
Licks
Its
Paws

The
free
market
wasted
no
time.

Dreamies,
the
international
feline
snack
brand,
rebranded
overnight
with
the
tagline:

“So
Good
They’ll
Hang
on
the
Highway
for
Them.”

Ford
Motor
Company
now
offers
the

“Pawformance
Package,”
which
includes
claw-proof
paint,
tail-sized
sunroofs,
and
a
glove
compartment
filled
with
treats.
Meanwhile,
Tesla
has
introduced

“ClingCam™”,
allowing
owners
to
stream
their
rooftop
pets
in
real
time
with
advanced
whisker-detection
technology.

Even
Google
has
entered
the
fray,
testing
a
self-driving
cat
prototype
named
“Purrplexity.”
It’s
currently
in
beta
but
has
already
filed
for
emotional
damages
against
its
own
developers.

---

Clingfluencers
and
The
Rise
of
Meow-ssiah
Culture

If
you
haven’t
heard
of

Duchess
von
Paws,
you’re
living
under
a
very
boring
rock.
She’s
a
Persian
with
2.3
million
followers,
a
partnership
with
Balenciaga
Petwear™,
and
a
documentary
series
titled
“From
Litterbox
to
Lamborghini.”

Then
there’s

Pawlie
Shore,
a
blind
Himalayan
who
clung
to
the
hood
of
a
Tesla
for
eight
hours
and
now
has
a
TED
Talk
called
“Gripping
Your
Destiny:
The
Feline
Frontier
of
Self-Actualization.”

These
cats
are
more
than
pets—they’re
brands.
They’re
therapists.
They’re
gods.

One
Miami
resident
was
quoted
saying,
“Ever
since
Duchess
started
riding
the
Ferrari,
I
haven’t
needed
therapy
or
traffic
updates.
She
just
purrs
and
I
follow.”

---

The
Authorities
Have
No
Idea
What
to
Do

As
with
most
unregulated
American
hobbies
(see:
eating
Tide
Pods,
ghost
hunting,
financial
advising),
the
legal
system
is
woefully
unprepared.

In
Portland,
lawmakers
passed
emergency
legislation
limiting
cats
to

two
per
axle,
unless
the
vehicle
is
electric—then
it’s
a
“green
purr-pass.”
In
Florida,
where
laws
are
written
in
Monster
Energy
and
glitter,
it’s
entirely
legal
as
long
as
the
cat
wears
goggles.

One
Texas
sheriff
told
reporters,
“Look,
if
the
cat
climbed
up
there
itself,
it’s
technically
free-range.”

---

PETA’s
Response?
Pure
Confusion

PETA,
in
an
unusually
ambiguous
press
release,
stated:
“We
don’t
support
the
trend…
unless
the
cats
are
enjoying
it.
But
how
can
we
tell
if
they’re
enjoying
it?
Honestly,
we’re
tired
and
need
a
nap.”

This
was
followed
by
a
nationwide
campaign
called
“Stop
the
Cling,”
featuring
volunteers
gluing
themselves
to
moving
Ubers
in
protest—resulting
in
48
injuries,
three
TikTok
brand
deals,
and
one
woman
now
dating
her
Lyft
driver.

---

Black
Market
Clingconomy

Where
there’s
demand,
there’s
exploitation.
A
black
market
has
emerged
for

“cling-ready”
ferals—cats
trained
on
car
hoods
to
grip
tighter
than
a
tax
audit.

Craigslist
ads
now
feature
listings
like:

FOR
SALE:
Pre-trained
Siamese
w/
anti-slip
paw
pads.
Tolerates
EDM
and
long
hauls.
Best
offer
or
trade
for
vape
pens.

One
anonymous
startup
in
Seattle
now
offers
weekend
rentals
of
cling
cats
for
aspiring
influencers.
Their
slogan?

“We
Supply
the
Cats.
You
Supply
the
Regret.”

---

Accidents,
Lawsuits,
and
Moral
Decline

Of
course,
it’s
not
all
meows
and
giggles.
One
Florida
woman
crashed
her
Tesla
after
her
cling
cat’s
tail
triggered
the
windshield
wipers,
initiating
a
full-system
meltdown
and
launching
her
into
an
Arby’s
drive-thru.

“My
Ragdoll
named
Meatloaf
was
doing
the
steering,”
she
explained
in
court,
“and
frankly,
he
was
more
reliable
than
my
ex.”

A
class-action
lawsuit
has
been
filed
by
14
dogs.

---

Role
Reversal:
When
the
Cats
Start
Driving

In
a
horrifying
twist
of
evolution,
some
cats
are
now
taking
the
wheel.
A
Bengal
in
Austin
was
caught
steering
a
scooter
while
its
owner
filmed
from
a
drone.
In
Iowa,
a
calico
successfully
operated
a
riding
lawnmower
and
used
Apple
Pay
to
order
anchovies.

Experts
warn
we
may
be
entering
a

cat-led
automotive
uprising,
where
humans
are
the
cling-ons,
desperately
clawing
the
roof
while
whiskered
overlords
control
the
AC
settings.

---

Helpful
Tips
from
the
Dreamies
Institute
of
Vehicular
Survival

Want
to
join
the
Cling
Craze?
Here’s
what
you’ll
need:

• Breed
  Matters:
  Bengals
  cling
  like
  pro
  athletes.
  Persians
  are
  fluffy
  wind
  hazards.

• Gear
  Up:
  Invest
  in
  paw-safe
  velcro
  and
  anti-vomit
  wind
  visors.

• Snacks
  =
  Traction:
  Treats
  in
  hidden
  pockets
  will
  inspire
  longer
  hangs.

• Practice
  First:
  Start
  with
  a
  Roomba
  before
  moving
  to
  a
  Prius.

• Legal
  Tip:
  If
  questioned,
  just
  say
  the
  cat
  “volunteered.”

---

What
the
Funny
People
Are
Saying

“A
guy
drove
by
with
four
cats
clinging
to
his
Hummer.
I
yelled,
‘Do
you
know
they’re
out
there?’
He
said,
‘They’re
not
cats.
They’re
marketing.’”
—

Jerry
Seinfeld

“This
ain’t
a
traffic
violation—it’s
NASCAR
for
people
with
trauma
and
too
many
rescue
animals.”
—

Ron
White

“I
glued
a
cat
to
my
longboard
once.
Turned
out
it
was
my
uncle’s
toupee.
We
don’t
talk
anymore.”
—

Sarah
Silverman

“My
cat
won’t
sit
in
my
lap,
but
it’ll
ride
on
the
back
of
a
Tesla
like
it’s
auditioning
for
Top
Gun:
Feline
Maverick.”
—

Amy
Schumer

---

Final
Thoughts:
Who’s
Really
Clinging?

In
the
end,
this
isn’t
about
cats
at
all.
It’s
about
us.
Us,
clinging
to
meaning
in
a
world
ruled
by
algorithms
and
sponsored
content.

The
cats?
They’re
just
along
for
the
ride.
With
claws
dug
in,
ears
back,
and
eyes
that
say:
“You’re
all
insane—but
thanks
for
the
treats.”

---

Humorous
Disclaimer

This
story
is
the
result
of
a
fully
human
collaboration
between
two
deeply
sentient
beings:
a
cowboy
who’s
been
kicked
by
more
bulls
than
trucks,
and
a
dairy
farmer
who
once
dated
a
woman
who
thought
her
Roomba
was
haunted.
No
cats
were
harmed.
One
was
mildly
tickled
and
given
shrimp.

Auf
Wiedersehen.

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