The Eggs from Outer Space: NASA Discovers Martian Arachnophobia, Earth Panics Anyway

Jezero Crater, Mars — Somewhere between the dusty desolation of Martian terrain and the smudged camera lens of NASA’s Perseverance rover, humanity found something to fear more than AI, TikTok, and airline peanuts combined: what appears to be a giant nest of spider eggs. Or maybe it’s popcorn. Or rocks. But most importantly, it’s the first true sign that Mars might be both haunted and horrifying.

“Yep, that’s it. I’m done. Burn the whole planet,” said retired NASA janitor-turned-Twitter expert, Hank “The Mop” Doolittle, who once claimed to see a chupacabra in his microwave.

What the Funny People Are Saying

• “If there’s a horror movie set on Mars, it’ll start with a geologist poking that rock with a stick.” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “I don’t care if they’re rocks or eggs—my ass ain’t going to a planet where the furniture might hatch.” — Ron White
• “I saw those pictures. I thought it was a Trader Joe’s granola cluster that got sent to space.” — Sarah Silverman

---

A Formation So Ugly It Could Only Be Natural

NASA scientists confirmed the eerie resemblance of the rock formation to a cluster of spider eggs, though they were quick to assure the public it’s not a nest of terrifying intergalactic arachnids. “We don’t believe these are actual spider eggs,” said Dr. Krystle Z. Fearstein, NASA’s Chief Imaginary Threat Officer. “But… we also said the same thing about murder hornets.”

The rock, located on the slopes of a Martian hill ironically named Witch Hazel, looks like it belongs in Guillermo del Toro’s garage. According to Dr. Fearstein, the “eggs” are just round pebbles eroded by Martian wind and ice.

When asked why the rover was hanging around Witch Hazel Hill in the first place, NASA admitted they lost the rover’s remote in 2023 and have been letting it drive itself ever since. “It has a Roomba setting,” said project engineer Derek Kleebs. “Sometimes it gets stuck under cliffs.”

---

Conspiracy Theories Hatch Faster Than the Eggs

Within 48 hours of the photo’s release, three Reddit threads, six YouTube documentaries, and one unhinged uncle had already declared the rock formation to be:

• A Martian hatchery

• A secret base for ancient alien spiders

• The result of a CIA-funded “Spider Terraforming Program”

• Proof that Mars is just Australia in disguise

Dr. Greta Lovelane, a cultural anthropologist at Fake University of Berlin, believes this moment represents a shift in human psychology. “We’ve officially replaced our fear of the unknown with our fear of the ‘what-the-hell-is-that?’”

Loveline also conducted a study of 1,200 Americans who viewed the image. Over 78% admitted they would rather see Martian warlords than Martian spiders. The remaining 22% were already hiding under their beds.

---

The “Arachnid Apocalypse” Poll

A SpinTaxi–MarsWatch joint poll conducted over a Red Lobster dinner revealed startling results:

• 34% of respondents believe NASA should nuke the site from orbit “just to be safe.”

• 22% demanded Mars be declared a no-crawl zone by the United Nations.

• 12% said they now support building a wall around Earth.

• 9% voted to send Florida to fight the spiders, because “they know what to do.”

The remaining 23% were still arguing over whether Martian spiders identify as space insects, space mammals, or AI-generated hallucinations.

---

Experts Chime In, Whether We Asked or Not

Dr. Marcus Webber, a self-described “arachnologist and rollerblading instructor,” has warned for years that Mars was “the final frontier of bug-based nightmares.” In 2009, he published Eight-Legged Futures: Spiders Across the Universe, which was largely ignored until this week, when it became Amazon’s #1 book in “Things That Will Keep You Awake Tonight.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Shaylene Paxton, author of Rocks That Look Like Things That Scare Me, insists it’s just a case of geological pareidolia—the human tendency to see familiar shapes in random objects. “It’s like when you see Jesus in a Dorito,” she explained. “Except this time, Jesus is an angry mother spider.”

---

Science and Religion Finally Agree: “Nope”

For the first time since 1842, science and organized religion have come together to say, “You know what? Maybe we don’t go to Mars.”

The Vatican released a brief statement: “If God put spiders on Mars, He is clearly punishing the Red Planet for sins unknown. Let’s not interrupt.”

Meanwhile, the Church of Latter-Day Arachnids released their own press release celebrating the discovery. “We told you they were coming,” read the statement. “The prophecy of the Eight-Legged Queen is near!”

The document was signed in webbing.

---

Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk Offer Dueling Plans

Upon seeing the photo, Elon Musk tweeted, “Definitely not eggs. Just alien NFTs. Chill, Earthlings.” He later announced a new $77 billion plan to terraform Mars with flamethrowers and “spiritual memes.”

Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, offered a “Prime Mars Subscription” that would deliver anti-spider lasers to colonists within two business decades.

Bezos’ PR team also released a concept sketch of a massive, dome-covered Martian suburb called “Arachnofree,” where citizens can live in peace, far away from rocks that look like nightmares.

---

Psychological Impact Already Felt on Earth

Psychologists are reporting a spike in “Martian Arachnophobia Syndrome,” or MAS—a newly invented term for people irrationally afraid of photos of spider rocks 140 million miles away.

Symptoms include:

• Obsessively cleaning one’s house to “make sure nothing crawled in from space”

• Rewatching Starship Troopers as a survival guide

• Throwing away all rice, quinoa, and popcorn on sight

• Barking at Alexa if she shows space images

The Mayo Clinic, not wanting to be left out, now offers an online quiz titled “Are You Afraid of Martian Spiders or Just Emotionally Repressed?”

---

Real or Not, Tourism Boards Prepare for the Worst

The Martian Tourism Bureau (MTB) has already updated its interstellar brochure to include a new slogan: “Mars: Not Just Cold and Barren Anymore—Now Slightly Infested!”

Cruise companies hoping to build zero-gravity resorts have suspended plans.

Virgin Galactic announced a new, rebranded campaign titled “Escape the Spiders, Go to Venus!”

Richard Branson promised “no eggs, no webs, and absolutely no eight-legged surprises.”

---

Mars Rover Becomes First Robot in Therapy

A NASA technician leaked that Perseverance—long praised for its work ethic—has begun acting erratically since the discovery.

“It stopped moving. Just parked and stared at the eggs,” said technician Paula Griggs. “It sent us a transmission that just said, ‘Nope. I’m out.’ Then it played ‘The Sound of Silence’ on loop.”

NASA has since enrolled Perseverance in its new “Artificial Intelligence Trauma Recovery Program,” the same one used after the Mars helicopter encountered a dust devil in 2023 and went into a spiral of self-doubt.

---

Helpful Content: How to Survive a Martian Spider Invasion

In the spirit of public service journalism, here are some tips to help SpinTaxi readers prepare for the worst:

Do:

• Stockpile Raid, even though it probably won’t work on space bugs

• Practice screaming into space helmets

• Learn to identify harmless Martian rocks so you can still post on Instagram

Don’t:

• Poke Martian spider rocks with sticks (especially not with the American flag)

• Attempt to domesticate Martian spiders. They are not pets. They are rage given form.

• Tweet “I’d still date one” — the dating apps are already full of those guys

Instead:

• Join your local Arachnid Resistance Cell (ARC)

• Volunteer at spider-free space stations

• Start knitting anti-web suits out of NASA-discarded Kevlar

---

Even AI Refuses to Analyze It

When asked to run the rock formation through an AI visual recognition model, ChatBlob—NASA’s top image-analyzing AI—responded with:

“ERROR: This image violates my sense of peace. Please delete.”

It then self-shutdown, citing digital anxiety.

---

The Next Great Space Debate

As news of the rock formation spreads, it’s sparking a fresh debate among space ethicists, science fiction writers, and potheads at Burning Man: If spiders evolved on Mars, would they be smarter than Congress?

A mock debate held at UC Berkeley’s satire club concluded that “even a Martian spider rock formation probably has better communication skills than the average Senate committee.”

---

Our Final Thought: The Rock That Broke the World

This isn’t just about rocks. It’s about trust. We trusted Mars to be desolate, unthreatening, and slightly boring. We gave it billions of dollars, robots with wheels, and optimistic press conferences. And how does it thank us?

By sending back an image of what looks like Satan’s Easter Basket.

NASA, to its credit, has started developing a new classification for such anomalies: “Visually Unacceptable Geological Formations” (VUGFs). St. Pauls Bay is their first entry. Probably not their last.

---

In Conclusion: Burn It from Orbit?

Probably not. It’s just a rock. But it looks like spider eggs, and in the court of public opinion, that’s worse than actual spiders. Until NASA confirms otherwise—or launches an arachnid-fighting robot named “Flamethrower Steve”—the fear will remain.

Because at the end of the day, we’re not afraid of Mars.

We’re afraid of what Mars reminds us of: that nature, even in space, has a sick sense of humor.

Auf Wiedersehen!

---

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No spiders were harmed during the writing of this piece, though several rocks were emotionally shattered.

---

---

What the Funny People Say About…

“NASA sent a rover to Mars and found what looks like spider eggs. That’s it. Shut the program down. We’re not terraforming—we’re terror-forming!”
— Ron White

“You ever notice how the only time humans care about rocks is when they look like something terrifying? ‘Hey look! A rock that resembles a nest of space spiders! Let’s go touch it.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“We spent $2.7 billion to send a camera to Mars just to find out it’s also infested? I could’ve told you that for five bucks and a bad edible.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Man, if I wanted to see alien spider eggs, I’d just check under my kid’s bed. At least on Earth we got Raid and Wi-Fi.”
— Chris Rock

“NASA says the rock isn’t really spider eggs. Yeah, and my grandma’s ‘casserole’ wasn’t really a biohazard.”
— Dave Chappelle

“Elon Musk saw the photo and said it’s nothing. Of course he did—he probably already trademarked Martian spider meat as a protein alternative.”
— Amy Schumer

“Those Martian spider rocks? That’s what happens when Mars skips therapy for 4 billion years.”
— John Mulaney

“My cousin saw the picture and started building a bunker. I said, ‘Bro, it’s a rock on another planet.’ He said, ‘That’s what they want you to think!’”
— Trevor Noah

“I looked at the photo and thought it was an off-brand Rice Krispies treat. Which says a lot about my diet and very little about my survival instincts.”
— Jackie Kashian

“Aliens watching Earth must be like, ‘They found a scary rock and immediately lost their minds. Let’s give it another thousand years.’”
— Roy Wood Jr.

“The rover found Martian spider eggs and sent back high-def video. Meanwhile, every gas station security camera on Earth still looks like it was filmed on a potato.”
— Michelle Buteau

“Martian spider eggs? Man, that’s just God doing stand-up. He’s like, ‘Let’s put something real creepy there and see what the nerds do!’”
— Hasan Minhaj