Health and Human Services Department’s IT Crisis｜bohiney.com

Anita Sarcasm

April 17, 2025

Is
the
Health
and
Human
Services
Department’s
IT
Crisis
a
Glitch
or
a
Sign
of
Systemic
Failure?


WASHINGTON,
D.C.
—
April
2025
—
A
quiet
but
catastrophic
storm
is
brewing
inside
the
U.S.
Department
of
Health
and
Human
Services
(HHS).
No,
it’s
not
another
debate
over
vaccine
memes
or
broccoli
in
school
lunches
—
it’s

an
IT
systems
collapse
so
bad
that
floppy
disks
are
reportedly
being
used
as
backup
servers.

Sources
within
HHS
are
whispering
the
same
question
over
burnt
coffee
and
blinking
monitors:

“Are
we
witnessing
a
glitch…
or
the
digital
equivalent
of
a
full
organ
failure?”

The
satire
specialists
at

Bohiney.com
dug
through
the
wires,
firewalls,
and
bureaucratic
chaos
to
bring
you
the
only
diagnosis
that
matters:
this
isn’t
just
a
crash
—
it’s
a

technological
flatline
dressed
in
a
blazer
and
lanyard.

Meanwhile,
in
the
Server
Room…

Insiders
describe
scenes
straight
out
of
an
IT
horror
movie:

  • One
    office
    uses
    Windows
    95
    to
    manage
    pandemic
    response
    files

  • Passwords
    are
    written
    on
    whiteboards
    titled
    “Do
    Not
    Photograph”

  • The
    department’s
    firewall
    is
    reportedly
    protected
    by
    a
    Word
    document
    named
    “DO
    NOT
    HACK.docx”

An
anonymous
sysadmin
told
Bohiney.com:

“At
this
point,
the
system
runs
on
duct
tape,
prayer,
and
one
guy
named
Bob
who’s
not
allowed
to
retire.”

Bureaucracy
Meets
Binary:
A
Match
Made
in
Malware

The
failure
isn’t
just
technical
—
it’s
fundamental.
After
years
of
underfunding,
outsourcing,
and
a
curious
decision
to
store
critical
files
on
a
USB
drive
labeled
“Karen’s
Vacation
Pix,”
the
entire
digital
backbone
of
HHS
is
crumbling
faster
than
public
trust
in
hospital
cafeteria
sushi.

The
department
attempted
to
launch
a
modern
health
data
platform
last
year.
It
promptly
crashed
when
someone
tried
to
upload
a
PDF.

What
the
Funny
People
Are
Saying
About
HHS…


“The
HHS
system
is
so
old,
it
runs
on
coal
and
passive
aggression.”
—
Sarah
Silverman,
while
updating
her
own
health
record
with
a
rotary
phone


“At
this
point,
I
wouldn’t
trust
their
IT
to
run
a
vending
machine,
let
alone
national
health
policy.”
—
Wanda
Sykes,
mid-snack
and
mid-sarcasm


“You
know
it’s
bad
when
their
tech
support
starts
with,
‘Have
you
tried
blowing
on
it?’”
—
Ron
White,
sipping
bourbon
next
to
a
fax
machine
labeled
“Critical
Server
A”


“The
only
firewall
they
have
is
a
literal
fire
near
the
wiring
closet.”
—
Jerry
Seinfeld,
standing
by
a
smoldering
Ethernet
cable


“I
asked
HHS
if
my
records
were
safe.
They
said
yes,
then
accidentally
emailed
me
someone
else’s
colonoscopy.”
—
Larry
David,
now
living
off-grid
in
protest

The
Collapse
Heard
‘Round
the
Cloud

This
meltdown
doesn’t
just
threaten
emails
and
appointment
calendars.
It
jeopardizes:

  • Medicaid
    data

  • National
    emergency
    planning

  • 20
    years
    of
    CDC
    PowerPoints
    nobody
    ever
    opened

  • And
    every
    TikTok
    warning
    about
    syphilis
    since
    2020

As
the
department
struggles
to
reboot,
the
current
contingency
plan
involves
handwritten
memos,
office
carrier
pigeons,
and
yelling
“Just
Google
it!”
across
the
hallway.

When
Cybersecurity
Is
a
Shrug

Security
researchers
have
noted
HHS
was
using
outdated
protocols
vulnerable
to
attack:

  • Multi-factor
    authentication
    consisted
    of
    “password123”
    followed
    by
    “Are
    you
    sure?”

  • Server
    rooms
    had
    keypads
    labeled
    “1234,”
    “0000,”
    and
    “BIRTHDAY”

  • One
    intern
    allegedly
    “accidentally
    encrypted
    half
    the
    database
    with
    a
    Sims
    cheat
    code”

The
White
House
has
referred
to
this
as

“an
unfortunate
systems
issue.”
Translation:
they’re
waiting
to
blame
Canada.

The
Department
Responds…
Eventually

After
a
36-hour
delay,
HHS
released
a
statement:

“We
are
aware
of
the
technical
challenges
currently
affecting
some
systems
and
are
actively
working
on
solutions
with
our
partners.”

Unfortunately,
the
statement
was
delivered
by
fax
to
a
reporter’s
dentist’s
office.

It’s
still
unclear
which
“partners”
they’re
referring
to.
Some
believe
it’s
an
AI
chatbot
in
Estonia.
Others
say
it’s
just
a
guy
from
Geek
Squad
named
Todd.

A
Nation
Wonders:
“Should
I
Be
Worried?”

Short
answer:

Yes.

Long
answer:

Definitely
yes.

Citizens
nationwide
are
reporting
strange
phenomena:

  • Missing
    vaccination
    records

  • Birth
    certificates
    replaced
    with
    recipes
    for
    lemon
    bars

  • HIPAA
    violations
    printed
    out
    and
    accidentally
    mailed
    to
    the
    Vatican

One
family
received
a
notice
stating
their
child
had
three
different
blood
types
and
a
duplicate
kidney.
The
kid
is
fine.
Probably.

When
the
Network
Crashes,
the
Bureaucracy
Logs
Off

Congress
held
a
hearing
about
the
issue.
Key
takeaways:

  • Half
    the
    committee
    didn’t
    understand
    the
    term
    “server”

  • One
    Senator
    asked
    if
    it
    was
    “the
    Russians
    or
    the
    Space
    Force”

  • Another
    requested
    the
    IT
    department
    “just
    use
    a
    thumb
    drive
    like
    normal
    people”

C-SPAN
cut
away
after
a
staffer
tried
to
plug
a
toaster
into
a
LAN
port.

Final
Diagnosis:
The
System
Needs
More
Than
a
Restart

This
isn’t
just
a
glitch.
It’s

a
full-on
bureaucratic
data
stroke.
The
Department
of
Health
and
Human
Services
has
become
the
most
ironic
entity
in
government:

unable
to
care
for
its
own
systems
while
managing
the
nation’s
health.

So,
is
this
a
fixable
problem?

Only
if
we
can
convince
Congress
to
fund
an
upgrade
that
doesn’t
involve
AOL
trial
CDs
and
an
intern
named
“Kyle”
in
a
panic.

In
the
meantime,
if
you
need
medical
records,
try
the
basement.
Or
that
weird
guy
in
HR
who
“used
to
work
for
RadioShack.”


Auf
Wiedersehen,
functionality.
May
your
reboot
be
swift
and
not
require
a
hamster
wheel.

Bohiney
Satire
–
A
wide
satirical
cartoon
in
a
chaotic,
exaggerated
comic
style
inspired
by
Toni
Bohiney.
The
scene
shows
a
crumbling
IT
bunker
labeled
‘U.S.
Health
Syste…
–
bohiney.com

Bohiney
Satire
–
A
wide
satirical
cartoon
in
a
chaotic,
exaggerated
comic
style
inspired
by
Toni
Bohiney.
The
scene
shows
a
crumbling
IT
bunker
labeled
‘U.S.
Health
Syste…
–
bohiney.com

Bohiney
Satire
–
A
wide
satirical
cartoon
illustration
in
the
detailed,
chaotic
style
of
Toni
Bohiney.
Inside
the
fictional
HHS
headquarters,
frazzled
bureaucrats
work
on…
–
bohiney.com

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