No More Government Credit Card, No More Lingerie: Bureaucrats Gone Broke

Y’all ever seen a D.C. bureaucrat without a government credit card?
It’s like watching a Kardashian at a Dollar General. Confused, sweaty, and unable to process the idea of buying toothpaste with actual money.

Now I ain’t sayin’ these folks were spoiled—but the last time one of ‘em saw a receipt, it was being held up in a congressional ethics investigation. That’s not a payment method, that’s a punchline.

So this little story rolls in from El Salvador—God bless ‘em, they canceled their government credit cards. And I mean canceled. Not frozen. Not paused. Not “paused for review by a bipartisan commission.” I mean cut up like a bad Vegas decision.
And you’d have thought they banned air. Or Botox. Or whatever keeps Nancy Pelosi upright in high winds.

---

The Doge Card That Barked Too Loud

See, this wasn’t just any credit card, it was backed by Dogecoin.
DOGE.
That’s right. Bureaucrats were out here buying pizza, lingerie, dog shampoo, and who-knows-what-else using a cryptocurrency that was invented as a joke.

“Much expenses. Very bureaucracy. Wow.”

You ever swipe a Doge card at a vape shop and get denied? That’s not a financial crisis, that’s a lifestyle reckoning.

---

Lingerie and Loyalty Points

Now, apparently, some of these charges were flagged because certain government employees were buying “intimate items for personal use.”

I don’t know what kind of personal diplomacy requires lace and leather, but if your foreign policy relies on a push-up bra and whipped cream, I think you’re confusing NATO with OnlyFans.

I’m not sayin’ you can’t have hobbies, I’m just sayin’ maybe don’t invoice the Ministry of Public Works for edible thongs.

---

The Dogs Are Dirty and Democracy Is Crumbling

The real victims here? The dogs.

D.C. officials are now washing their own golden retrievers in bathtubs like common folk. It’s chaos.
One Homeland Security officer was spotted in a Target parking lot hosing down a Yorkie with windshield wiper fluid. “It’s minty,” he said. “Keeps ticks and terrorists away.”

These are people who haven’t bent over since the Clinton administration. Watching them try to bathe a corgi with government-issued hands is a national security threat.

---

DC Pet Groomers Filing for Bankruptcy

Meanwhile, the economy’s collapsing… again. But not because of inflation or housing or war. No, because DC’s pet groomers are out of work.
These folks were charging $200 a session for fluffing Labradoodles with government stimulus foam.
You could get your Yorkie a Swedish massage, toenail highlights, and an oat milk spritz on the taxpayer dime.

Now they’re in tears, saying, “If FEMA can’t cover French poodle aromatherapy, is this even America?”

---

Officials Start to Budget (Badly)

With no card, they started to panic. I saw one federal employee—mid-level, tie crooked like a probation officer at a funeral—trying to pay for a green juice with an expired National Parks pass.
He said, “Will you take this? It gets me into Yosemite.”

Sir, that’s not legal tender. That’s a cry for help.

---

Brunch Lobbyists Are Fuming

The lobbyists are mad too. One guy said, “If I can’t buy a vote over avocado toast, what’s left of democracy?”

Now they gotta Venmo congressmen for influence like we’re at a PTA bake sale. “Hi, I’m with Exxon. Here’s $40 and a cookie. Please deregulate Antarctica.”

---

The Department of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse is on Furlough

The best part? An actual memo said: “This change may reduce waste, fraud, and abuse.”

Y’all. That’s like saying banning gasoline might cut down on car fires.
The Department of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse just walked out holding cardboard boxes with their names engraved in crystal. One said, “We didn’t waste, we invested in morale!”

---

No More Swiping, Just Sweating

You ever seen a bureaucrat try to live without a per diem?

It’s like taking the training wheels off a raccoon. They don’t die… but they start doing really weird things with yogurt and trash.

One guy was overheard in a Whole Foods muttering, “Do I get a reimbursement for this kale or is this what civilian pain feels like?”

---

This is Not a Test—This is What Real Life Costs

They say when the last Doge card was cut, the lights dimmed at four agencies.
One senator cried, “But how will we pay for morale-boosting lingerie?”
His aide replied, “Sir, that’s what feelings are for.”
He fainted.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If you’re a government worker and your biggest problem is losing your Dogecoin card, you’re not doing government. You’re doing cosplay.” — Ron White

“This is like if Congress tried to Venmo Ukraine. ‘Here’s $600 million, but you gotta use it at Cheesecake Factory.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

---

The Swamp Runs Dry: Democrats Face Life Without Doge Cards, Brunch, or Groomed Poodles

By the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer

---

They said it couldn’t be done. That you can’t just cancel government credit cards.
“You’ll collapse the entire brunch economy!” cried one tearful staffer in a Banana Republic blazer.

Well, guess what? El Salvador did it. They took those Dogecoin-backed pieces of plastic and snapped them in half like a burned-out vape pen. And the shockwave hit Washington, D.C. so hard that Nancy Pelosi tried to expense a rosé and ended up Venmo-requesting George Soros.

---

The End of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse… and Also Flavored Lube

The real tragedy, according to one anonymous Department of Education official, was the end of “innovative morale initiatives.”
She said, “You take away our credit cards, and suddenly the team-building retreat to Napa for ‘Post-Traumatic Budget Syndrome’ doesn’t qualify as essential.”

What do you mean we can’t expense vintage syrah and conflict-resolution crystals?

Even worse, the “Lingerie & Leadership” weekend for mid-level bureaucrats was canceled.
Senator Amy Klobuchar called it “a blow to feminine empowerment and strapless unity.”

---

Bureaucrats Now Buy Things With Money—Like Peasants

One DNC staffer was overheard weeping into his oat milk cortado:
“Do you know what it’s like to put a frappuccino on your own debit card? I felt… Republican.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren launched a furious thread about “financial trauma” and “capitalist weaponization of receipts.”
She ended it with:
“We are not our Chase balances. We are our intentions. And my intention was 3 mimosas.”

---

The Pet Groomers Have Fled

D.C. is a ghost town now. Pet salons gone. Spa dogs gone. Bureaucrats with frosted Maltipoos are forced to confront their own mortality and matting issues.

The Department of Energy’s Senior Vice Chair of Equitable Transportation—yes, that’s a real title—was spotted using government hand soap to clean his Labradoodle behind a Crate & Barrel.
He whispered, “I miss the apricot conditioner. He misses the lavender mist. We all miss America.”

---

Democratic Panic Rooms Activated

Reports indicate that five separate “Democratic Emergency Coordination Zooms” were launched in the first hour of the Doge Card blackout.

Chuck Schumer was seen pacing in socks, muttering, “It’s like the Sequester, but with real consequences.”
Nancy Pelosi asked if the government could buy crypto back from the blockchain with legacy vibes.

Kamala Harris just kept repeating, “We are in a time… of not being able… to be who we were… when there were funds… to make moments happen.”

---

The Think Tanks Are Starving

Brookings, Aspen, and Center for American Progress were reportedly ravaged by hummus shortages after their catering budgets vanished.

A think tank fellow attempted to DoorDash a $14 shakshuka on his personal card. The app rejected it.
He curled into a fetal position and whispered, “What’s the point of solving food insecurity if I have it?”

---

Joe Biden Attempts to Barter for Credit

Sources say President Biden tried to trade his Peloton password and a vintage Scranton ball cap for “just one last tap” of the Doge card.
He was told: “Sir, El Salvador canceled the entire program. Doge is over.”
He replied: “Then we got a national dog emergency, Jack.”

---

AOC Proposes Emergency Lingerie Relief Act

“Lingerie is a human right,” she tweeted, alongside a sponsored post for Fenty Savage.
“Brunch is the glue that holds our democracy together. No brunch, no bills. No thongs, no thanks.”

The Squad introduced a bill: The DOGE Act – Democrats Organizing to Get Expenses
The bill includes emergency crypto reissuance, brunch vouchers, poodle grooming subsidies, and $2 billion in “recreational morale therapy.”

It was immediately filibustered by Rand Paul wearing Crocs and eating a tuna sandwich from a vending machine.

---

Moderates Losing It Too

Joe Manchin tried to calm things down by hosting a “Fiscal Responsibility Roundtable” at his houseboat.
But when no one showed up with prosecco or hummus, he screamed, “What’s the point of bipartisanship if we can’t toast it with mimosas?!”

---

DNC Staffers Fleeing to Tech Startups

One 24-year-old gender equity analyst is now a “Vibe Optimization Officer” at a kombucha blockchain startup in Austin.
Her last words on D.C.?
“This place is broken. I had to pay for my own Uber to a panel about equity. That’s not sustainable.”

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You take a bureaucrat’s credit card and all that’s left is a person who can’t code, can’t cook, and cries at Whole Foods.” — Ron White

“The Democratic Party just realized brunch isn’t a human right. That’s what happens when Doge dies and you gotta chew your own tofu.” — Jerry Seinfeld

---

 What the Funny People Are Saying

“The Democratic Party without government credit cards is like a Kardashian without Wi-Fi—lost, furious, and looking for a ring light.”
— Ron White

“I’m not saying government officials are wasteful, but if you took away their expense accounts, they’d starve in a Bed Bath & Beyond.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“You ever seen a bureaucrat try to pay for brunch in cash? It’s like watching a flamingo drive a forklift—graceful until the tears start.”
— Larry David

“They spent Dogecoin on lingerie. DOGE. That’s like buying edible panties with Monopoly money and being surprised they don’t fit.”
— Amy Schumer

“The only thing more fraudulent than those government charges is my high school relationship with a guy who said crypto was the future.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Democrats be like, ‘If we can’t buy brunch, is it even democracy?’ Meanwhile, Republicans out here surviving on beef jerky and resentment.”
— Chris Rock

“When the credit cards got cut, one bureaucrat asked if ‘personal funds’ meant their trust fund or someone else’s.”
— Wanda Sykes

“You don’t know true panic until you see a government staffer try to write a policy memo without a free oat milk latte.”
— Tina Fey

“D.C. is so broke now, politicians are starting OnlyFans pages titled ‘Behind the Filibuster.’ Spoiler: It’s just Ted Cruz in compression socks.”
— Leslie Jones

“Canceling Dogecoin cards doesn’t just stop fraud, it stops morale. You ever try passing legislation sober and hungry? That’s how sequesters happen.”
— John Mulaney

“The only stimulus some of these guys understand comes in the form of a reimbursed steak dinner and a side of wink-wink regulation.”
— Trevor Noah

“Imagine explaining to your therapist that you’re grieving a credit card made of meme money. That’s not trauma, that’s satire in real time.”
— Ali Wong