Theme
Parks
&
Satire:
Where
Mascots
Sweat
and
Dreams
Smell
Like
Hot
Asphalt

A
Deep
Dive
into
America’s
Favorite
Family
Meltdown
Zones
–
Theme
Parks

The
Only
Place
on
Earth
Where
a
Turkey
Leg
Costs
$19.99
Theme
parks
are
the
sacred
altars
of
American
excess—where
dreams
go
to
sweat
and
wallets
go
to
die.
It’s
the
only
place
where
a
turkey
leg
costs
more
than
a
Bluetooth
speaker
and
tastes
like
medieval
regret.
One
exhausted
mother
from
Tulsa
spent
$84
on
corn
dogs
and
just
sighed,
“This
counts
as
our
anniversary
dinner.”

According
to
a
recent
survey,
67%
of
guests
enter
the
park
with
a
budget
and
leave
with
a
funnel
cake
coma
and
two
maxed-out
credit
cards.
“If
it’s
fried,
it’s
sold,”
is
the
unspoken
mantra.
One
man
tried
to
pay
for
lunch
in
tears.
The
cashier
said,
“We
accept
Visa,
not
sadness.”

Fantasyland
Is
Just
Retail
With
a
Castle
What
looks
like
a
magical
kingdom
is
really
a
medieval
strip
mall
wrapped
in
fireworks
and
glitter
glue.
Every
fairytale
ends
with
a
credit
card
swipe.
Princesses
in
ball
gowns
smile
for
the
camera
while
muttering,
“I
have
a
degree
in
marine
biology.”
They
pose
for
photos
with
700
toddlers
named
Maverick
who
smell
like
sunscreen
and
existential
dread.

Security
has
an
official
code
phrase
for
grown
men
who
cry
during
Elsa’s
performance:
“Let
It
Go
Alpha.”
Last
month,
three
dads
were
gently
escorted
to
a
designated
sob
zone
near
the
cotton
candy
kiosk.

The
Mascots
Are
Crying
on
the
Inside
Beneath
every
smiling
mouse
is
a
liberal
arts
graduate
who’s
42
minutes
from
heat
stroke.
Mascot
suits
can
reach
up
to
130
degrees
inside—also
known
as
“Disney
degrees.”
A
tourist
from
Toledo
watched
as
Goofy
collapsed
mid-wave
after
high-fiving
7,000
children.
CPR
was
administered
by
a
nurse
dressed
as
Jack
Sparrow,
who
then
billed
him
in
doubloons.

Mickey
has
a
safe
word.
It’s
“Merchandising.”

Lines
So
Long
They
Age
You
The
average
wait
time
for
a
thrill
ride
is
now
roughly
the
lifespan
of
a
guinea
pig.
A
140-minute
line
for
a
17-second
ride
is
considered
“reasonable.”
Children
are
measured
in
inches
and
hours.
One
father
exited
a
queue
with
a
long
beard
and
the
look
of
someone
who’d
seen
three
wars.
“I
missed
his
entire
childhood
in
that
line,”
he
whispered.
He
now
identifies
as
an
emotional
support
mime.

A
new
app
promises
to
cut
wait
times,
but
only
after
you
sell
your
data,
your
soul,
and
your
first-born’s
college
fund.

Themed
Bathrooms
Are
Too
On-Theme
One
woman
attempted
to
use
the
Pirate
Bathroom
only
to
be
greeted
by
a
man
in
eyeliner
screaming
“ARRR”
from
the
next
stall.
She
hasn’t
stopped
twitching
since.
Another
restroom,
styled
after
“Haunted
Mansion,”
included
randomly
timed
ghostly
moans
and
faucets
that
screamed
when
turned
on.
One
visitor
left
convinced
she’d
just
baptized
a
demon.

Park
legal
offered
therapy
vouchers
good
for
one
60-second
session
with
an
intern
dressed
as
a
woodland
fairy.

The
Roller
Coaster
That
Ate
Grandpa
Grandpa
Henry,
82,
decided
to
prove
he
was
“still
cool”
by
riding
the
Doom
Twister
6000.
He
emerged
with
three
displaced
vertebrae
and
a
newfound
belief
in
string
theory.
“I
time-traveled,
I
swear
it,”
he
said,
then
passed
out
in
a
souvenir
sombrero.

He’s
now
in
pre-production
for
a
memoir
titled
Upside
Down
at
60
MPH:
My
Loop-de-Loop
Into
Mortality.

Parades
That
Last
Longer
Than
Marriages
Daily
parades
feature
floats,
fire-breathers,
and
animatronic
animals
with
thousand-yard
stares.
Dancers
haven’t
slept
since
Obama’s
first
term.
During
one
parade,
a
child
screamed,
“Buzz
Lightyear’s
smoking
behind
the
dumpster!”
PR
was
quick
to
respond:
“It
was
a
vape
pen
and
it
was
consensual.”

The
parade
ends
with
a
princess
waving
in
slow
motion
while
mouthing,
“Send
help.”

The
Interactive
Shows
That
Go
Too
Far
At
a
Jedi-themed
stage
show,
a
dad
was
selected
to
duel
Darth
Vader.
He
accidentally
impaled
a
stage
speaker
and
tripped
over
Yoda’s
stool,
becoming
an
instant
TikTok
legend.
“The
Force
was…
not
with
him,”
said
the
emcee,
as
children
wept
in
confusion
and
pride.

The
man
now
does
Comic-Con
panels
under
the
name
“Obi-Wan
Whoopsie.”

The
Water
Park
Side
Quest:
Fungal
Edition
Attached
to
many
theme
parks
is
a
water
park
that
doubles
as
a
bacterial
safari.
The
lazy
river—better
described
as
the
Petri
Ditch—was
recently
described
by
one
microbiologist
as
“a
community
pool
for
emerging
superviruses.”
A
child
reportedly
exited
the
wave
pool
speaking
fluent
Esperanto.

The
slides
are
advertised
as
thrilling,
but
most
guests
leave
with
something
they
didn’t
have
before—like
pinkeye
or
self-doubt.

The
Souvenir
Trap
Gift
shops
are
psychological
landmines
disguised
as
“memory
centers.”
Plush
toys
are
positioned
at
toddler
eye-level
with
faces
that
scream
“abandon
your
budget.”
A
dad
attempted
to
leave
without
buying
anything.
He’s
still
missing.
A
single
popcorn
bucket
was
found
where
he
last
stood.

Merch
now
includes
shirts
that
say
“I
Screamed,
I
Spent,
I’m
in
Debt.”

Parking
Lot
Labyrinths
and
Lost
Dignity
Guests
spend
40
minutes
finding
their
car—twice.
A
woman
from
Des
Moines
was
found
three
days
later
circling
the
“Goofy
Lot,”
living
off
nacho
cheese
and
despair.
She
returned
home
with
a
new
philosophy
degree
and
a
restraining
order
from
a
parking
cone.

Several
couples
have
renewed
vows
in
Lot
C,
believing
it
to
be
purgatory.

Nighttime
Shows
and
Existential
Crisis
The
fireworks
display
is
timed
to
distract
you
from
your
financial
collapse.
As
families
gaze
skyward
in
awe,
they
do
quiet
math
in
their
heads.
One
man
watching
a
heart-shaped
explosion
muttered,
“That’s
my
Roth
IRA.”
A
woman
nodded.
“That
one
looked
like
our
down
payment.”

Behind
every
ooh
and
ahh
is
a
credit
card
statement
that
sighs.

The
Park’s
App
Is
a
Trap
The
official
park
app
requires
your
birth
certificate,
your
pet’s
name,
and
a
retinal
scan.
It
offers
live
wait
times
that
mysteriously
never
dip
below
120
minutes.
One
glitch
rerouted
80
guests
to
a
churro
stand
labeled
“Coaster
of
Destiny.”
No
one
complained.
They
just
got
dizzy
and
bloated.

The
app
also
sells
upgrades,
like
$49
to
skip
one
line—or
$99
to
feel
like
someone
who
matters.

The
True
Ride:
Emotional
Collapse
At
the
end
of
the
day,
every
family
resembles
the
cast
of
a
reality
show
mid-season
breakdown.
One
mom
carries
a
melting
toddler,
a
purse
filled
with
mystery
snacks,
and
the
remnants
of
her
self-worth.
Dad
is
pushing
a
stroller
with
a
churro
sword
sticking
out.
Grandma
is
speaking
in
tongues.
The
dog?
No
one
brought
a
dog.
Yet
there
it
is.

A
teenager
was
heard
saying,
“That
was
the
worst
day
of
my
life.”
His
mom
replied,
“And
you’ll
remember
it
forever.”

---

Final
Thought:
Welcome
to
the
Emotional
Tilt-a-Whirl
Theme
parks
are
where
fantasy
meets
foot
blisters,
and
the
line
between
magic
and
madness
is
measured
in
sweat
stains.
You
enter
hoping
for
memories
and
leave
with
a
mild
concussion
and
a
commemorative
mug.

Yes,
the
churros
are
overpriced.
Yes,
the
rides
break
your
back.
But
somewhere
between
the
log
flume
and
the
fermented
lemonade
stand,
you
become
part
of
something
greater:
a
shared
delusion
held
together
by
sunscreen,
illusion,
and
animatronic
mice.

And
in
that
moment—sticky,
sunburned,
and
emotionally
broke—you
understand
America
better
than
you
ever
have.

---

DISCLAIMER
This
theme
park
satire
is
proudly
written
by
a
cowboy
and
a
farmer
who
once
got
stuck
upside
down
on
a
roller
coaster
and
now
send
each
other
postcards
from
the
loop.
No
mascots
were
emotionally
harmed
beyond
the
industry
standard.
For
more
overpriced
truth
bombs
and
existential
popcorn
buckets,
ride
along
at

Bohiney.com,
where
satire
smells
faintly
of
funnel
cake
and
broken
dreams.

BOHINEY
SATIRE
–
A
wide,
detailed
cartoon
illustration
in
the
satirical
and
exaggerated
style
of
Toni
Bohiney,
as
featured
on
bohiney.com.
The
scene
shows
a
surreal,
c…
–
bohiney.com

What
the
Funny
People
Have
to
Say
About
Theme
Parks

I
bought
a
churro
the
size
of
a
canoe
and
it
cost
more
than
my
cousin’s
car
note.
Tasted
like
cinnamon
and
child
support.
—

Ron
White

What’s
the
deal
with
theme
parks?
You
stand
in
line
for
three
hours
to
be
emotionally
assaulted
by
a
talking
duck
with
boundary
issues!
—

Jerry
Seinfeld

I
saw
a
mom
threaten
her
kid
with
a
turkey
leg.
Like,
“Don’t
make
me
buy
this
phallic
meat
club
again,
Skyler!”
—

Sarah
Silverman

I
used
the
park
app
to
find
the
shortest
line.
Three
clicks
later
I
was
$74
poorer
and
somehow
married
to
a
churro.
—

Larry
David

I
wore
a
crop
top
to
the
water
park.
The
lazy
river
tried
to
float
me
into
therapy.
—

Amy
Schumer

I
haven’t
seen
that
many
dads
cry
since
I
told
my
accountant
I
wanted
to
retire
at
60.
—

Billy
Crystal

Theme
parks
are
just
where
adults
cosplay
their
own
financial
collapse.
“Ooo,
let’s
ride
the
credit
score
dropper
again!”
—

Wanda
Sykes

You
ever
eat
a
funnel
cake
so
hot
it
cauterizes
your
soul?
‘Cause
I
have.
Twice.
Same
day.
—

Jim
Gaffigan

I
got
on
this
roller
coaster,
right?
My
spine
did
the
Harlem
Shake,
my
wallet
did
a
disappearing
act,
and
my
dignity?
Left
at
the
churro
stand.
—

Kevin
Hart

I
saw
a
toddler
in
a
$90
princess
dress
having
a
breakdown
in
the
gift
shop.
And
I
thought,
“Wow,
me
too,
girl.”
—

Ali
Wong

I
yelled
at
a
talking
animatronic
frog.
Like,
really
yelled.
At
a
robot.
In
public.
And
no
one
even
flinched.
That’s
how
far
we’ve
fallen
as
a
society.
—

Marc
Maron

Theme
parks
are
America’s
version
of
ancient
myth.
But
instead
of
heroes
slaying
dragons,
it’s
dads
battling
strollers
and
corn
dog
grease
in
a
parking
lot
named
after
a
cartoon
dog.
—

Hasan
Minhaj

BOHINEY
SATIRE
–
A
wide,
satirical
cartoon
illustration
in
the
exaggerated,
humorous
style
of
Toni
Bohiney
(bohiney.com),
titled
‘The
Family
That
Cried
in
Fantasyland…
–
bohiney.com

BOHINEY
SATIRE
–
A
wide,
detailed
cartoon
illustration
in
the
satirical
and
exaggerated
style
of
Toni
Bohiney,
as
featured
on
bohiney.com.
The
scene
shows
a
surreal,
c…
–
bohiney.com

BOHINEY
SATIRE
–
A
wide,
chaotic
cartoon
illustration
in
the
exaggerated,
satirical
style
of
Toni
Bohiney,
titled
‘Mascot
Meltdown
Mid-Parade.’
The
scene
takes
place
duri…
–
bohiney.com

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