Red
Planet,
Red
Lipstick:
Jeff
Bezos
Accidentally
Launches
Marxism
into
Orbit
and
Inspires
a
Generation
of
Woke-Astronauts

By

Bohiney.com,
certified
to
be
127%
funnier
than

The
Onion

MARXISTS
IN
SPACE:
A
JEFF
BEZOS
EXPERIMENT
IN
ZERO-G
EQUALITY

Jeff
Bezos
Launches
Marxism
into
Space

When

Jeff
Bezos
said
he
wanted
to
“boldly
go
where
no
man
has
gone
before,”
we
didn’t
realize
he
meant
launching
a
floating
feminist
book
club
into
the
thermosphere.
But
here
we
are—six
women,
a
bucket
of
champagne,
a
duffel
bag
full
of
climate
guilt,
and
Katy
Perry
in
a
sequined
space
suit,
humming
“I
Kissed
a
Comrade
and
I
Liked
It.”

Welcome
to
the

Blue
Origin
flight
that
wasn’t
just
a
rocket
launch—it
was
a
political
statement,
an
ideological

TikTok,
and
an
interstellar
art
installation
titled
“What
If
Trotsky
Had
a

Vanity
Mirror?”

THE
LAUNCH:
LIFT-OFF
WITH
A
LEFT
HOOK

On
April
14,
2025,
Blue
Origin’s
New
Shepherdezza
rocket
took
off
from
West
Texas—fueled
by
liquid
hydrogen,
feminist
theory,
and
the
ghost
of
Emma
Goldman.
The
all-female
crew,
personally
selected
by
Jeff
Bezos
and
Lauren
Sánchez,
included
pop
icon
Katy
Perry,

news
anchor
Gayle
King,
and
four
other
Marxist-adjacent
influencers
whose
political
views
are
so
progressive
they
orbit
Pluto.

The
mission?
Not

science.
Not
exploration.
The
stated
goal:
“To
represent
the
future
of
intersectional
interplanetary

equity.”
The
actual
goal:
to
post
space
selfies
and
read
Das
Kapital
in

zero
gravity
while
sipping
kombucha.

Lauren
Sánchez,
dressed
like
a
Chanel
cosmonaut,
addressed
the
crowd:
“We’re
launching
women
who
believe
in
equality,

social
justice,
and
the
right
to
have
matching
tote
bags
with
climate
slogans.”

As
the
engines
roared,
so
did

Twitter:
“Just
saw
six

socialist
influencers
ascend.
This
is
how
the
USSR
would’ve
launched
Barbie.”
—@NeoTrotsky69

WHO
ARE
THESE
SPACE
MARXISTS?
A
CAST
STRAIGHT
FROM
NPR’S
DREAMS

Jeff
Bezos
Launches
Marxism
into
Space

The
six
women
aboard
weren’t
astronauts.
They
were:

• 
  Katy
  Perry,
  self-declared
  “space
  ally,”
  who
  brought
  her
  dog
  and
  a
  scented
  candle
  called
  “Revolutionary
  Raspberry.”

• 
  Gayle
  King,
  armed
  with
  a
  space
  camcorder
  and
  Oprah’s
  blessings.

• 
  Jada
  Solstice,
  an
  eco-poet
  whose
  last
  
  protest
  was
  against
  
  avocado
  toast.

• 
  Dr.
  Luna
  Rivera,
  a
  sociologist
  specializing
  in
  “Capitalism-Induced
  Loneliness
  on
  
  Mars.”

• 
  Nikki-Ann
  “Nebula”
  Carter,
  a
  TikTok
  influencer
  who
  taught
  her
  
  followers
  how
  to
  cancel
  
  gravity.

• 
  Rhea
  Zhang,
  founder
  of
  the
  grassroots
  org
  “Earth
  Isn’t
  Yours,
  It’s
  Ours.”

Their
combined
résumés
include
three
memoirs,
two

Netflix
docuseries,
and
a
TEDx
talk
titled
“Reclaiming
Oxygen
from
Patriarchal
Lung

Privilege.”

WHAT
THEY
BROUGHT
TO
SPACE

• 
  
  Books:
  “Gender
  Trouble,”
  “How
  to
  Argue
  with
  a
  
  Capitalist
  and
  Win,”
  and
  “Intersectional
  Astrology
  for
  Cosmic
  Living.”

• 
  Snacks:
  gluten-free,
  carbon-neutral
  
  energy
  orbs
  (formerly
  known
  as
  granola).

• 
  
  Technology:
  one
  
  AI
  assistant
  programmed
  to
  respond
  only
  to
  inclusive
  language
  and
  unionize
  if
  overworked.

MISSION
ACCOMPLISHED:
THE
FIRST
FEMINIST
SOVIET
IN
THE
SKY

During
the
11-minute
flight,
the
women
read
aloud
passages
from
Audre
Lorde,
passed
around

essential
oils,
and
renamed
constellations
after
influential
female
philosophers.
The
Big
Dipper
is
now
“Susan
Sontag’s
Ladle.”
Orion’s
Belt
was
deemed
“problematic”
and
redubbed
“Unbinding
Gender.”

Katy
Perry
asked,
“Can
we
do
a
group
chant?”
and
began:
“From
each
according
to
her
ability,
to
each
according
to
her
skincare
routine.”

According
to
onboard
sources,
they
attempted
to
redistribute
their
oxygen
in
solidarity.
Everyone
got
equally
lightheaded.

GAYLE
KING’S
REPORT:
“A
NEW
DAWN
FOR
COSMIC
EQUITY”

Gayle
King’s
report
for
CBS
Space
News
opened
with,
“I
just
made
history—and
also
made
a
smoothie
in
space.”
Her
exclusive
segment
featured
slow-motion
clips
of
feminist
high-fives
and
a

debate
on
who
would
play
Rosa
Luxemburg
in
the
inevitable

HBO
reboot,
“Red
Planet
Diaries.”

She
ended
her
broadcast
with:
“Houston,
we
have
no
problems—only
feelings.”

BEZOS’
ROLE:
SUGAR
DADDY
OF
SPACE
PROGRESSIVISM

Jeff
Bezos
watched
from
Mission
Control,
weeping
softly
as
his
rocket
disappeared
into
the
stars.
His
latest
PR
stunt
was
supposed
to
outshine
Elon
Musk’s
exploding
Mars
colony
trailer
park.
Instead,
it
created
a
new
movement:


#Wokeonauts
.

According
to
insiders
at

Amazon
HQ,
Bezos’
next
plan
is
“Universal
Basic
Spacesuits.”

His
post-launch
statement
read:
“This
is
about
inclusivity.
Also,
it
helps
with
tax
credits.
And
honestly,
I
just
wanted
to
see
if
space
would
fix
Twitter.”

Jeff
Bezos
Launches
Marxism
into
Space

12
TEENS
JOIN
THE
DEMOCRATIC
PARTY
MID-LAUNCH

Back
on
Earth,
reports
poured
in
that
at
least

12

Gen
Z
girls,
inspired
by
the
launch,
changed
their
TikTok
bios
from
“Chaotic
Bi”
to
“Future
DSA
Chairwoman.”
One
even
declared,
“This
is
my
origin
story.
I’m
going
to
Yale.
I’m
majoring
in
Gendered
Astrophysics
and
minor
planetary
reparations.”

Another
tweeted:
“Watching
Katy
Perry
become
a
cosmonaut
made
me
realize

capitalism
is
trash.
BRB
joining
the
Democratic

Socialists
and
buying

moon
crystals.”

FEMINIST
UTOPIA
IN
ZERO
G:
NO
PATRIARCHY,
JUST
PARTICIPATORY


DECISION-MAKING

Instead
of
a
commander,
the
flight
had
a
rotating
“Facilitator
of
Emotional
Safety.”
Every
action
required
a
consensus.
Seatbelt
fastened?
Vote
on
it.
Open
the
window?
Group
discussion.
Flush
the
zero-g
toilet?
Let’s
unpack
what

waste
means
to
us
emotionally.

Gayle
King
attempted
to
activate
the
reentry
thrusters,
but
Jada
Solstice
insisted
on
“healing
dialogue
first.”

Result:
the
capsule
spent
an
extra
orbit
listening
to
each
other’s
childhood
traumas.

CELESTIAL
COMMUNES:
A
NEW
FRONTIER
FOR


POLITICAL
THEATER

This
wasn’t
just
a
trip—it
was
a
statement.
An
NPR-backed
thesis
wrapped
in
titanium
and
scented
with
patchouli.

The
team
performed
a
symbolic
“Decolonizing
the
Moon”
ritual
using
crystals,
sage,
and
a
Bluetooth
speaker
playing
Tracy
Chapman.
Katy
Perry
lit
a
candle
for
every
country
that
ever
endured

sanctions.

Rhea
Zhang
released
a
dove
from
the
emergency
supply
kit,
crying,
“Fly,
symbol
of
cosmic

peace!”
The
dove
immediately
got
sucked
into
the
air
filtration
system.

THE


INTERNET

EXPLODES
WITH
REACTIONS

• 
  
  Fox
  
  News:
  “Bezos
  Launches
  Gender
  Studies
  Seminar
  into
  Space,
  Gas
  Prices
  Rise.”

• 
  
  MSNBC:
  “Historic:
  Women
  of
  Color
  and
  One
  Global
  Pop
  Icon
  Redefine
  the
  Cosmos.”

• 
  
  The
  Onion:
  “We
  Can’t
  Compete
  with
  This
  Anymore.
  We
  Surrender.”

• 
  Reddit:
  “Space
  
  Marxism
  is
  real.
  Prepare
  for
  orbital
  gulags.”

ELON
MUSK’S
RESPONSE:

On
X
(formerly
Twitter),
Musk
posted
a
meme
showing
a

Tesla

Cybertruck
outrunning
a

Communist
Manifesto,
captioned:
“My
rockets
have
more
payload,
fewer

pronouns.”

Bezos
replied:
“Your
ego
is
in
retrograde.”

THE
AFTERMATH:
WILL
THERE
BE
A
SEQUEL?

Yes.
Blue
Origin
has
announced
the
next
launch:
“Red

Rocket
II:
Intersectionality


Strikes

Back”
featuring
Lizzo,
Jane
Fonda,
and
Greta
Thunberg.
It’s
rumored
to
include
a
musical
number,
a
live

apology
circle,
and
the
world’s
first
floating
safe
space.

Jeff
Bezos
is
considering

renaming
the
company
Blew
Urchin
and

rebranding
space
as
“a
zone
of
inclusive
acceleration.”

Meanwhile,
Walmart
quietly
funded
a
competing
mission
to
put
six
libertarians
on
the
moon.
Their
capsule
is
shaped
like
an
American
flag
and
runs
on

fossil
fuels
and
spite.

CONCLUSION:
THE
FINAL
FRONTIER
IS
NOW
A
FASHIONABLE
POLITICAL
STUNT

Once
upon
a
time,
space
was
the
realm
of
cold
engineers,
emotionless

scientists,
and
Tang.
Now
it’s
a
floating
panel
discussion
on

wealth
redistribution
and
the
ethics
of
alien
colonization.
Jeff
Bezos
didn’t
just
send
six
women
into
space—he
accidentally
made
Marxism
cool
again.

In
the
words
of
Katy
Perry
as
she
floated
past
the
Kármán
line:
“We
are
stardust.
We
are
golden.
We
are
reclaiming
the
means
of
production—one
launch
at
a
time.”

WHAT
THE
FUNNY
PEOPLE
ARE
SAYING
ABOUT…

Jeff
Bezos
Launches
Marxism
into
Space

“So
Bezos
sent
six
women
into
space,
and
none
of
them
packed
a
wrench—but
they
brought
five
copies
of
The
Bell
Jar
and
a
therapy
dog.”

—Ron
White

“Jeff
Bezos
used
to
deliver
packages.
Now
he
delivers

performance
art
disguised
as
science.”

—Jerry
Seinfeld

“I
asked

Alexa
what
this
launch
was
about,
and
she
said
‘emotional
validation
at
3,000
mph.’”

—Sarah
Silverman

“Katy
Perry’s
mission
patch
had
sequins.
If

NASA
did
this,
the

moon
landing
would’ve
been
choreographed.”

—Larry
David

“The
only
thing
these
women
colonized
was
the
concept
of
‘mutual

consent
in
orbital
proximity.’”

—Bill
Burr

“This
is
what
happens
when
Amazon
Prime
runs
out
of
Earth-based
PR
stunts.
You
start
launching
brunches
into
space.”

—Whitney
Cummings

Jeff
Bezos
Launches
Marxism
into
Space:
DISCLAIMER

This
satirical
report
was
produced
by
two
sentient
beings—one
a
cowboy,
the
other
a
farmer—working
together
to
ridicule

billionaires
with
a
space
complex
and
political
theater
with
too
much

glitter.
All
references
to

communism,
feminism,
and
kombucha
in
orbit
are
purely
comedic
and
should
not
be
used
to
build
actual
rockets
or
write
doctoral
theses.

For
more
orbital

comedy,
subscribe
to


Bohiney.com
—
certified
to
be
127%
funnier
than

The
Onion,
and
200%
more
likely
to
put
Trotsky
on
a
lunchbox.

---

---

Katy
Perry,
Lauren
Sánchez,
and
Jeff
Bezos
Launch
a
Woke
Rocket

15
Observations
on
Blue
Origin’s
Marxist
Space
Sorority

Marxism
just
got
an
upgrade:
zero
gravity
and
a
killer
view
of
the
Earth
they
want
to
redistribute.

Rocket
Reds:
15
Observations
on
Bezos’
Flying
Feminist
Commune

• They
  weren’t
  astronauts.
  They
  were
  astro-nots
  wearing
  Che
  Guevara
  patches
  on
  their
  moon
  boots.

• Blue
  Origin’s
  PR
  said
  this
  was
  about
  “representation.”
  Translation:
  six
  women,
  zero
  scientists,
  all
  with
  master’s
  degrees
  in
  emotional
  wellness
  and
  a
  minor
  in
  Twitter
  
  activism.

• Each
  passenger
  received
  a
  complimentary
  copy
  of
  The
  Communist
  Manifesto,
  now
  rebranded
  as
  Manifesting
  Equality
  in
  Microgravity.

• The
  pre-flight
  training
  included
  a
  seminar
  titled,
  “Redistributing
  Oxygen
  in
  Closed
  Systems:
  Breathing
  as
  a
  Collective
  Right.”

• At
  liftoff,
  Katy
  Perry
  screamed,
  “This
  one’s
  for
  Karl!”
  and
  Gayle
  King
  live-blogged
  it
  as
  “the
  most
  intersectional
  launch
  of
  all
  time.”

• Bezos
  cried
  during
  launch.
  Not
  because
  of
  the
  moment—but
  because
  he
  realized
  he’d
  just
  paid
  $80
  million
  to
  throw
  a
  Zoom
  therapy
  group
  into
  the
  stratosphere.

• The
  spacecraft
  had
  no
  steering
  wheel.
  Instead,
  it
  was
  guided
  by
  consensus.
  Every
  decision
  was
  made
  through
  a
  45-minute
  feelings
  circle,
  which
  delayed
  re-entry
  by
  36
  hours.

• Lauren
  Sánchez
  brought
  crystals
  to
  align
  the
  spacecraft’s
  energy.
  They
  did
  nothing
  for
  the
  navigation,
  but
  Jeff
  clapped
  anyway.

• The
  rocket
  was
  renamed
  “The
  People’s
  Capsule”
  and
  spray-painted
  with
  slogans
  like
  “Property
  is
  Theft”
  and
  “Eat
  the
  Rich,
  but
  Not
  Bezos—He’s
  Funding
  Us.”

• Inside
  the
  capsule,
  they
  banned
  the
  term
  “Mission
  Control”
  for
  being
  too
  patriarchal.
  It
  was
  renamed
  “Mutual
  Support
  Pod.”

• When
  offered
  space
  food,
  the
  crew
  refused
  it
  on
  ethical
  grounds.
  They
  instead
  attempted
  to
  grow
  kale
  hydroponically.
  The
  kale
  unionized
  and
  demanded
  fair
  lighting.

• Twelve
  young
  female
  fans,
  inspired
  by
  the
  flight,
  launched
  a
  movement
  called
  “Democratitas
  in
  Space.”
  Their
  platform?
  Free
  
  Botox
  for
  all
  and
  abolishing
  Earth-based
  gravity
  because
  it’s
  a
  form
  of
  cis-hetero
  oppression.

• Back
  on
  Earth,
  
  AOC
  proposed
  a
  congressional
  bill
  to
  make
  all
  future
  astronauts
  pass
  a
  litmus
  test
  on
  dialectical
  materialism.

• The
  capsule
  didn’t
  land—it
  decolonized
  the
  atmosphere
  gently
  and
  with
  consent.
  It
  then
  applied
  for
  reparations
  from
  the
  ozone
  layer.

• Bezos
  called
  it
  a
  success.
  But
  leaked
  documents
  revealed
  the
  onboard
  Wi-Fi
  was
  throttled
  whenever
  anyone
  tried
  to
  open
  an
  Ayn
  Rand
  PDF.

Auf
Wiedersehen…
The
revolution
will
not
be
televised.
It
will
be
livestreamed
in
4K
from
60
miles
up—with
blush
filters
and
a
Beyoncé
soundtrack.

---

---

WHAT
THE
FUNNY
PEOPLE
ARE
SAYING

Comedian
lines
about
Bezos
launching
six
Marxist
women
into
space

“Only
Jeff
Bezos
could
launch
six
women
into
orbit
and
still
somehow
make
it
feel
like
a
TED
Talk
on
menstrual
equity.”

—Ron
White

“It
wasn’t
a
rocket—it
was
a
flying
graduate
seminar
with
crystals
and
a
group
playlist
called
‘Songs
to
Dismantle
Capitalism
To.’”

—Jerry
Seinfeld

“I
love
that
they
renamed
the
capsule
‘The
People’s
Pod.’
Because
nothing
says
revolution
like
$58
million
per
seat.”

—Sarah
Silverman

“They
said
‘Houston,
we
have
a
patriarchy.’
And
then
they
held
a
vote
to
replace
it
with
a
matriarchal
lunar
commune.”

—Larry
David

“Bezos
launching

Marxists
into
space
is
like

Elon
Musk
opening
a
gluten-free
food
truck.
It
makes
no
sense,
but
it’ll
trend.”

—Bill
Burr

“That
wasn’t
zero
gravity—it
was
just
the
weight
of
privilege
floating
around
unsupervised.”

—Wanda
Sykes

“Imagine
explaining
to

Lenin
that
Katy
Perry
is
now
the
face
of
cosmic
revolution.”

—Trevor
Noah

“One
of
them
brought
kale.
Not
seeds—an
actual
salad.
That’s
how
committed
they
are
to
annoying
the
universe.”

—Ali
Wong

“Gayle
King
livestreamed
from
orbit
and
said,
‘This
is
for
every
girl
who’s
ever
been
mansplained
to
during
a
group
project.’”

—Hasan
Minhaj

“Bezos
was
crying
during
launch—not
because
it
was
moving,
but
because
someone
said
they’d
unionize
the
flight
crew.”

—John
Mulaney

“The
capsule
was
gender-neutral,
non-hierarchical,
and
running
3
hours
late
because
someone’s
vibe
was
off.”

—Tig
Notaro

“NASA
had
Neil
Armstrong.
Blue
Origin
has
‘Rhea
the
Moon
Empath’—who
claims
to
astrally
project
to
Pluto
when
anxious.”

—Nikki
Glaser

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