Comrade Corn: Xi Jinping Declares Ideological War on Wheat

Security, Sovereignty, and Soybeans!

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The Rise of Agricultural Nationalism: Every Turnip a Soldier, Every Chicken a Patriot

In a barnstorming policy announcement that has already rattled the rice paddies of Yunnan and sent shockwaves through Sichuan’s soybean supply chain, Chinese President Xi Jinping has declared that agriculture is no longer just a matter of food—but of national security.

That’s right, folks. Cabbage is no longer just a slaw ingredient. It’s a combatant.

Xi, who was last seen inspecting lettuce with the same intensity most people reserve for defusing bombs, told farmers, “We must build security barriers in agriculture.” According to Party insiders, these barriers are both ideological and literal. In some provinces, cornfields are already surrounded by motion-activated fences that yell quotes from The Little Red Book at trespassers.

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“Ideological Resilience” Soybeans: Now With 100% Less Liberty

According to the Chinese Ministry of Agricultural Loyalty (a new division of the Ministry of Truthiness and Pesticides), crops must now pass a patriotic purity test.

“We had to burn a field of carrots last week,” whispered one anonymous Party agronomist. “They were showing signs of liberalism.”

He added:

“They weren’t bending toward the sun. They were leaning west.”

This follows reports that Monsanto may have developed a genetically modified rice that sings Beyoncé and quotes Thomas Jefferson. Beijing cannot allow that. Not when the integrity of nation-state quinoa is at stake.

To protect food from such influence, farmers are now instructed to chant Xi Jinping Thought aloud while planting. Test plots show 11% higher yields when slogans like “Common Prosperity Begins With Your Turnips” are broadcast over loudspeakers.

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The CIA Is Allegedly Hiding Democracy in Your Dumplings

The People’s Daily recently published a 9,000-word editorial titled, “Our Wheat Must Be Woke With Chinese Characteristics.” In it, a senior Party official claimed the West was using grain exports to infiltrate China with democratic ideals and possibly gluten.

“We have long suspected that U.S. wheat is embedded with encrypted slogans,” the article warned. “Every dumpling could be a manifesto.”

When asked for comment, the U.S. Department of Agriculture laughed and then denied everything while eating General Tso’s chicken.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I like my crops the way I like my politics: unmonitored and deep-fried.” — Ron White

“What’s the deal with security rice? I mean, do we frisk the grains one by one? ‘Excuse me, sir, are you hiding freedom in your husk?’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“So now your rice has to be loyal to the Party? What happens if your potato votes independent—does it disappear?” — Amy Schumer

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Evidence That Potatoes Might Be Planning a Coup

A recent social media post on Weibo (now heavily censored) depicted a sweet potato with the phrase “Freedom Fries Forever” etched on its skin. The farmer responsible has since been relocated to an “agricultural re-education resort,” where he is reportedly learning how to properly align cucumbers with national goals.

Meanwhile, the Beijing Institute for Edible Intelligence has launched a pilot program that tracks the ideological trajectory of fruit trees. One peach orchard in Inner Mongolia was shut down for “exhibiting tendencies of cultural individualism.”

A local said:

“It started when the peaches stopped growing in perfect uniform rows. Next thing we knew, they were forming circles. Circles of dissent.”

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Helpful Content for Our Readers: How to Raise a Loyal Tomato

If you’re a Chinese citizen wondering whether your vegetables are appropriately patriotic, here are some tips:

• Groom your garlic to display images of Party heroes.

• Install loudspeakers in your melon patch that play anti-capitalist anthems.

• Report suspicious zucchini to the Bureau of Botanical Surveillance.

• Avoid Western fertilizers, especially anything branded “Miracle-Gro,” as that’s considered ideological interference.

• Never trust kale. It’s too green to be innocent.

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A Farmer’s Lament: “My Pig Won’t Pledge Allegiance”

In Hubei Province, farmer Li Zhaotong shared his struggle:

“My pig refuses to recite the national motto. I tried cue cards, hypnosis, and reruns of Xi’s speeches. Nothing worked. Then it oinked in English. I cried.”

Li has since switched to raising sheep. “At least they follow the herd,” he added, weeping gently into a bowl of Marxist muesli.

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Digital Surveillance for Cows, But Not in a Creepy Way

Under the new guidelines, all livestock must be tracked using a proprietary app called Moo-Xi-Net. The app monitors loyalty oaths, bowel movements, and whether any sheep are listening to Taylor Swift (a known danger to Party unity).

One ox was flagged for browsing “grass-fed democracy” online. Authorities acted swiftly, confiscating its WiFi access and banning future cud.

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Coming Next in Part 2:

• Xi Jinping’s dream of “vertical collectivism”: skyscraper rice fields built in the shape of his head

• Ministry of Ideological Fertilizer vs. Black Market Bok Choy

• Why Chinese drones are now pollinating and interrogating bees

• A deep dive into rumors of seditious sesame seeds smuggled from Taiwan

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Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No vegetables were harmed, although one beet was interrogated and later turned into borscht for the sake of national harmony.

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15 Observations About Xi Jinping Calling for “Security Barriers” in Agriculture

Theme: Xi’s Farmville Goes Full Orwell — Security, Sovereignty, and Soybeans!

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1. Xi Jinping Wants Security Barriers for Agriculture—Because Turnips Are Spying Now

Apparently, root vegetables have joined NATO. Xi says China must “firm up the foundation of food security.” Translation: even carrots might be foreign agents now.

2. Every Grain of Rice Must Swear Loyalty to the Communist Party

Forget five-year plans. It’s now a Five-Year Compost Strategy. Rice farmers must pledge allegiance before plowing, ideally while humming the national anthem.

3. Chinese Pigs to Be Microchipped for Ideological Purity

You haven’t tasted pork until it’s been screened for “hostile foreign influence.” Farmers now interrogate hogs: “Are you or have you ever been affiliated with American bacon?”

4. “Security Barriers” Sounds Like They’re Fencing Off the Corn

Cornfields with barbed wire. Drone patrols guarding tomatoes. And a scarecrow in a Mao suit quoting Marx. Yes, it’s a real agricultural vibe.

5. Xi’s New Strategy: Prevent CIA From Smuggling Democracy Into Wheat

Insiders say Beijing fears that U.S. wheat might be “genetically modified with freedom.” Expect future rice bags labeled: “100% Politically Loyal. May contain nuts. No liberty.”

6. Farmers Encouraged to Grow “Ideologically Resilient” Soybeans

They’ve developed a new crop resistant to Western influence. It sprouts only when you recite Xi Jinping Thought. And it files reports on neighboring legumes.

7. Silos Must Be Double-Encrypted. No Unauthorized Snacking.

Food security now includes cybersecurity. Want to enter the barn? Facial recognition, loyalty quiz, and a voiceprint scan of you saying, “Long live the Party!”

8. Farmers Will Be Judged on Patriotism, Not Yield

Harvest 10,000 bushels? That’s fine. But if your cow doesn’t moo in Mandarin, you’re getting re-educated.

9. China’s Agricultural Goals: Less Monsanto, More Mao

It’s not about modern science anymore—it’s about ideological fertilizer. You grow it with slogans, water it with slogans, and harvest it with a Politburo-approved sickle.

10. “Self-Reliance” Apparently Means Declaring War on Cabbage Imports

Xi wants a ban on foreign broccoli. “No vegetable shall cross our borders uninspected,” he proclaimed while shaking a paranoid yam.

11. Rural Farmers Now Receive Biweekly Propaganda Updates with Their Irrigation Schedule

The weather forecast includes wind speed, UV index, and why the U.S. is still the devil.

12. Drone Pollination Now Includes Surveillance of Bees

Xi: “We cannot allow honey production to be influenced by Western liberal bees.” All pollinators must now wear tiny red armbands and report to hive leaders.

13. China’s Agricultural Plan Drawn by Someone Who’s Never Touched a Shovel

Xi announced it from Hunan, while wearing pressed slacks and zero mud. A local farmer said, “He thinks irrigation is when the Party waters your soul.”

14. Rice Paddy Nationalism Is the New Hot Trend

If your rice isn’t grown in soil blessed by a statue of Xi, is it even patriotic? Some suspect sushi is subversive.

15. China’s Farm Future: One Cow, One Party, One Nation

In the new China, every barn is a battleground, every shovel a shield, and every scarecrow a soldier. The sheep may be silent, but the Party is baa-ing loud.

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